I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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