Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
