So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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