I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
