hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
