On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
