Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
