i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
