he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
