I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
