my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Randomize
