I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
