Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
