theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
