I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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