I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You are a genius and a whore.