party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
