I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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