sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
