If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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