I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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