so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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