After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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