I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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