so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Randomize
