guys are only as good as the porn they watch
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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