I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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