Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
