dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
