In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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