My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
