So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
