there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
