Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
