Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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