I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
