Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
