i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
