Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
