we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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