Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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