Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
