PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
