You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
