i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
