I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
