I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
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