Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
