dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
