I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
