mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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