Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
