I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
