so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
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