I hate your face
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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