i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Drunk is a universal language darling
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