I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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