I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
