he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
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I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
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I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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