if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
